RecCenter.com

Jelousy Insecurity, as used below, just means a lack of security. It does not imply that the insecure person is bad, or good. It does not imply that the insecurity is warranted or unwarranted. It simply means that the person is not secure, either in themselves, their relationship, or what have you. In some cases, the insecurity is not founded on realistic dangers to the relationship. If that is really the case, then you (the jealous partner) may wish to consider where your insecurities are coming from. Solving those sorts of insecurities isn't easy, but until you do you'll continue to face those feelings. Infatuation and/or NRE (New Relationship Energy) often makes this worse. In a new relationship, there's already some reason to be less certain of how the relationship will work out (you know the person less well.) Now add in the fact that you, yourself, are perhaps a bit obsessed with your new partner (infatuation can be like that), and mix that in with a poly relationship (your partner may have other relationships that need time and energy), and you can easily see how it could be more difficult to maintain a sense of safety early on. There are things you can do to mitigate or help existing insecurities. There are things you can do to avoid insecurities before they happen. The latter things tend to be cheaper and more effective. If a partner does something which triggers the insecurity of the other, that insecurity can feel like a breach of trust, and that is very difficult to heal. In particular, these feelings often come up in relationships that are attempting to transition from a monogamous to a polyamorous model. So, avoiding breaking trust in the first place is pretty important. Okay, let's say you've found that you are jealous. It's not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it? One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it (in the long term, that doesn't mean you have to display it at the moment you feel it.) Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse. Instead, I would suggest asking yourself "What do I feel insecure about?" Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want? Once you've figured out what the core discomfort is, then it's appropriate to ask yourself if your fears are well-founded. If it is, perhaps talking to your partner about what you are afraid of and why you believe your fears are well-founded makes sense. A different case is where you are pretty sure that your fears are unwarranted, but you just feel insecure (often about yourself more than the relationship) anyhow. That, in my experience, is a more difficult case, and it's hard to know precisely what to do about it, but I have been there, and part of what worked for me lies in the story behind the next item....