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So I've been accused by my friends and co-workers of trying to make every game, chore, sport, and discussion into some kind of competition. My family has always been pretty competitive so blame must be spread to the entire Goober clan. We grew up with the instinct to win instilled in us. I remember as far back as a kid and doing a board puzzle where me and my old man would steal a piece of the puzzle just to be the one to put in the final piece. The grand master puzzler! I usually won. My brother and I have turned birthdays and anniversaries into a competition in that the first person to wake up in the morning and call our respective family member to give well wishes is the winner. I can admit it's pretty much the only time I set my alarm for 5:30 or 6:00 a.m., with the exception of having an early tee-off or my bfwi has to get to work on time. I gotta say I almost give the edge on this one to my brother. No - wait - I'm sure I'm actually winning because lately he's been sucking. He even missed dad's birthday call altogether this year. Jake (my brother again) and I even created a backyard baseball game. The rules are super fun and awesome. Best backyard game ever. He lines up at the far side of the swing set with a tennis ball. We draw the strike zone on the wooden rise at the other end of the yard in chalk, using Little Juice's (my niece) T-ball plate as home. I take my ready stance at the plate using the mini bat with nerf sponging on it. The dog stands about 2 feet in front of me ready to charge the ball. When Jake finally throws a curve or fastball into the zone (just kidding - he's actually a pretty stellar pitcher. When we originally invented the game he struck me out quite often; but since those days I've improved my hand-eye coordination and his pitches have slowed considerably with his broken shoulder. Yeah. Poor Jake. I hear the violins playing.) So now when he fires into the zone, I can pretty much close my eyes and hit the ball. That's when the action begins. I have to run with my bat to the swingset, touch it, then race back to the home plate to score a run. Jake has to beat Max (our super amazing shortstop dog) to the ball and whip it at me. If he hits me before I get home I'm out. Otherwise, score 1 for the good guys! When it's my turn to pitch, I move the mound to the front of the swing sets, plus keep an extra ball in my hand so as not to have to wrestle with Max. Good times in the backyard. I usually win! Yes, go Juice. I like to turn driving into a competition too. Who can get to Destination A fastest? In fact, everytime I think of "Meet the Fockers" when Gaylord is racing dad-in-law home from the restaurant to find the cat and they go from zero to 80 in 6 seconds, then have to screech to a halt at the red light one block up, I think of me driving and peel into fits of laughter. But at the end of the day, I always get there first. Winner. Now I have time for a smoke. There's the obvious competitions: Winningest hockey team, winningest football team, individual tennis winner, low score golfer, best badmintoner, ping pong champ, most Jeopardy questions answered correctly, who guesses the killer in movies first, who sells the most at work, who's the most over budget, who's got the most growth dollars, who can type fastest, trivial pursuit champ, Eucher shutout, Asshole president, dart champ, who can get to the front of the mosh pit at concerts and live, who can see better, run faster, eat the least, skipping the rock the most times across the water, most pairs of shoes, longest pee, most efficient at writing backwards (yes, it's a talent not easily acquired), most fake real-looking flowers in their garden, strangest laugh, swearing the most, closest to the pin, biggest boobs, reciting the most lines in a movie or song ahead of time, staying up the latest, spelling bee champion of the world, best tan, being on the most Top Friends list on facebook, spotting the nimbo-cumulous cloud first, guessing the jellybeans in a jar, weigh the least, poke most often on facebook, name all the artists and songs on your iPod first, win at Poker, cuddliest cat, see the most episodes of Smallville, Dawsons Creek, Supernatural, and Gilmour Girls, has the best golf clubs, hold their breath the longest, get stoned fastest (scratch that - this is a G-rated blog. Drugs are bad for you), have the biggest TV, best Hi Def picture, nicest camera with the most candid shots taken, least amount of fridge magnets, Fantasy Football champion, smallest feet, fastest comebacks (and most sarcastic), workout the longest, be on the winningest volleyball team, staring contest champ, most organized dvd collection (translation: most anal), speed vacuum, spot the most Waldos, smell the nicest, have the most trophies, longest fingernails, smartest kid, most athletic kid, lightest golf bag (for those that walk the course), and the list kind of goes on and on. So all this being said, what I absolutely do not get, fathom, understand, or agree with is why the f**k kids go to school, take part in an athletic "competition" and nobody wins. Instead everyone gets a "participation" badge. Puuulease! No winner or loser? What kind of character are we trying to instill into our youth? The idea that when they grow up they'll all get the same job they applied for at the same wage? "Well Mr. Little, you didn't interview worth shit but since you participated in the process, I'll give you the job." I repeat, WTF? There are always winners and losers. If not, why would we spend so much time watching and money gambling on professional sports or on the 649 or Keno? To pay money with no reward for being the best? To get a participation badge instead of a winner's chit? I think not. Grow up educators of the world today and find some balls. Award a kid first, second and third. Sit the rest back down and teach them how to compete better, more strategically so maybe next time he/she can score that goal or run that race faster to get the ribbon! Enough ranting already, eh. Competition, at the WORST of times, is even fun. Let's go back to the dart game so you can see the analogy. Me and my buddy Nick have a kind of regular dart match date during various hockey parties throughout a season. The rules: You have to hit 20 down thru 15 three times each plus hit 3 bulleyes to be declared the Champion. On your turn, if you miss one of your targets you take a drink, miss 2 take 2 drinks, miss all 3 you both drink 3 times. If you already have 3 of your targets done, for example, all your 20's, then you hit a 20 but your opponent doesn't have it, he then gets to mark off 1 of his own 20s. Anyways, I'm winning vs. Nick something like 4 to 2. However, I'm sure how you can see why I say that even at the worst of times competition is fun! The last match we had we opted to allow substititions as there was a small audience. So we could sub someone to throw our darts and do the shots for a turn. Once the winner is determined, the loser (or losing team) must down whatever drink(s) they have left. So there is obvious strategy involved too. You can't have competition without strategy! I might have won the "highest insurance rate in BC" award at $7405 for those 2 fender benders. I've been friendly with a few of my bro's friends. Wonder if that wins me anything? Now, now, must I remind you this is a G-rated blog? So keep those comments to yourself. It's won me some pretty freaking awesome times and wicked buds! I recently partook in a Super Mario Wii party with my bfwi, and 2 super, fun friends from my ball team. First time I'd ever played, I might add. Anyways, I was basically getting my ass kicked all over the place. I wonder if that had anything to do with choosing the Peaches chick as my character while everyone else took someone cool like Yoshi, Wario, or Bones? But, to my surprise, after all 25 or 30 turns, I find out the Wii game awards stars for being the best at a bunch of mini-things that happened throughout the night and I ended up not in last. Woo hoo. Actually friggin' Thomas got 1st but I did manage to pull out 2nd both games and beat the bfwi and Aime, so Iwasn't the big loser either! Waiting for rematch. Oh, and I did beat Thomas at the boxing :-) I may even take the most compeitive ever award. If any of you reading this blog have never won anything or WANTED to win anything, please don't email me or make comments because I don't give out Participation Badges for the read. Peace out until next time! Juice